Mr Fat: thoughts for the day Christmas Eve 2014

I do hope this is not to maudlin for you, it is not intended thus, forgive me if so......

One of my dear cyber friends and Indie Author Brian Meeks sent me a Christmas wish earlier today with his kind thoughts on my condition and hopes for my continued involvement in life.  Well, all I could say to ALL OF YOU out there reading this across cyber space and who continue to be an inspiration to me, taking someone you have never met in life, into your own lives,  and then continually sending messages of support, love and well being.  It is you guys out there, along with my family and British friends who continually pop in to see me, who are the real inspiration to me and my family...........

Dear Brian, my strength and the little success I have had in life, has been down to the fact that most people are good, nice and supportive. I have had that support from family and friends and in the workplace, the latter especially, which allowed me to be known as a very good manager when in reality I was surrounded by a fantastic & supportive workforce.

My family and friends,  both who are here but also like you who are my dear dear cyber friends, give me two things: 1. A pragmatic acceptance of my fate and 2. The energy of the good thoughts and wishes to tell Mr Tumour, ' you are here and you are advancing, but we aren't going to let you take our Husband our Dad, our Grand Dad OUR FRIEND without a fight ' and it is that energy that keeps Me saying, ' get stuffed, mate, I'm  not ready to leave yet ' You and everyone out there, even now are always on my thoughts and I truly wish for a magical holiday season with family and friends for every single one of you,  as mine is and always has been since the birth  of my first child and that magic exploded on the birth of my first grandchild and continues to do so and will keep me here for a long time, being the pain in the ass that I sometimes am.......MERRY XMAS TO ALL MY FRIENDS🎅🎄😍 👪


And then today, one of my best friends turned up bearing Gifts and Flowers and when I asked how he was, as he too has recently been diagnosed with stomach cancer:

My thoughts turned to him as he reports that he has been scheduled for an operation on 20th January, 2015.

He will endure a 5-6 hour operation, they will remove the tumour and everything it touches, left kidney, spleen, pancreas and at least half the colon, as a minimum, intensive care for 2-3 days, hospital, 2-3 weeks, recovery time 3-4 months, he couldn't tell us the prognosis until the surgeons have been in, removed the contaminated bits, and the surgeons can see how good or bad it really is. But what they are sure of is, it must come out and now...

 This type of cancer does not react to chemotherapy or radiotherapy, surgery is the only option.

I have told my Friend, Ricky Everett that like me he is a survivor, think about him in a positive way guys. Like me, he will feel the power of your goodwill. Xxxxx

To everyone out there reading this today, whether you are a regular visitor, and if you are, my sincere apologies for the paucity of posts over the last year, I really shall try to rectify that shortcoming in the new year, it's not as if I don't have the time these days, I wish you and those of you who have just popped in for a wee look,  the very best seasonal wishes to you and to your family and kin.

Don't think sad thoughts for me and Ricky or for anyone else who you might know and who is in a similar situation. Think joyous thoughts and celebrate the lives that we and they have and the life that we and they still have.

For some of us it can be a long road to the end, for others it maybe shorter, but I for one would like to see happy smiling faces and receive happy positive thoughts from anyone, rather than they, you  thinking, 'how sad'.  ENJOY EVERY MINUTE YOU HAVE

Ishbel and me of to the Royal Opera House 

On Holiday Feb 14

(L_R) Jennifer, Lacey Mae, Me, Steve (sil) Shannon, Mollie, Ishbel
 Family Breakfast pre Xmas shopping

(L-R) AJ , Marie, Ishbel, Charlie, Holly, Peter (sil)
Family breakfast pre Xmas shopping

Tom and Ishbel

A very Merry Christmas to you all

Mollie has another crisis of conscience ....,

I had been very very ill over a period of a few weeks recently and the last week was not the cancer per say, although no doubt a large contributing factor.  No, rather it started with a little sore appearing on my top lip which, and no evidence to support this, soon developed into what appeared to be a chest infection that left me completely debilitated and in bed for most of the week and left me almost completely helpless.

I had been taken to see the oncologist the previous week by S-i-L Peter who drove all the way down from Northampton and it was really good to see him and it also gave him the chance to come in and listen to what was going on, which is good, saves me remembering to report back to the inquisition that is Marie :).  While there I mentioned the visit to the opticians who had found lesions on my eyeballs and of course this triggered the thought process with little 'Olly' that maybe a brain scan would be in order to check if the cancer was spreading up, I'm sure there was a little voice over my shoulder commenting well if it has, it wont find anything else up there.....

So, on Wednesday, the following week, Jen, S-i-L Steve, Shannon and Lacey May arrived from Woking as I was still in no fit state to do anything for myself and Steve took me to Hospital for my scan to see if there is a brain, sorry, if the cancer has spread up there.....

Mollie, didn't come and was so distraught, why, you ask?  Well she is 11 and we love each other dearly and remember she is the first of our grandchildren so it is fair to say that the bond between her and us and me is a little bit stronger although I do hasten to add I have absolutely no favourites when it comes to the 5 of them but Charlie you are going to get a kick in the bum one of these days if you don't get it.  We are men Charlie, it is one of our roles in life to go shopping with the women in our lives, whether we like it or not, the sooner you realise that the better, so get with the programme kid...... Oh, and cash management Charlie, you either have enough to buy the game you want, or you don't.  If you don't have it this week, you get your allowance the next week as long as you get your chores done.  Save what you have and add to it the following week so that you can buy your game and stop being a tit, leaving it in your pocket contrary to popular folklore, will not make it burn a hole in it, seriously.....

Any-hows, back to Mollie and her crisis. I have tweeted that Mollie, turning 11, has now moved from primary school to high school and Mollie being Mollie has made the transition without flinching or any sort of trepidation and has fitted in so comfortably that she just can not get enough of it.  In fact now that she has settled in and homework being a big part off schooling here she loves that too and while the homework given out is normally not due for a few days or even the following week, thereby giving the pupil plenty of time to study, research and complete, Mollie by all accounts come in each day with her assignments and immediately sets her self up in either her room or at the dining room table and gets stuck in to it immediately, how cool is that.

So, I get a phone call from Jennifer to say that she had just gone up to Mollies room after they had had a family discussion to say that they were all coming over to visit on a school day, so that dad,
S-i-L Steve could take granddad to hospital.  Obviously Shannon and Lacey Mae were delighted at being taken out of school but as it turned out Mollie, while desperate to visit, as she always is, informed her mum, that she had a test the following day and really wanted to take it and didn't know what to do!

My answer was simple, tell her I am ill but I am not yet ready to die and that it was important that she go to school and sit her test and to do the best that she could do and that I would still be here when she came visiting the following week.  It wasn't a problem and we always have face time and Skype to keep in touch with each other as we do.

So, Mollie, dear dear Mollie, this is for you.

We have always encouraged you to be the best that you can be.  Your are small, tiny and petite.  All of your school aged friends tower above you, but you have the heart, brain and intellect of a giant and this is because you are inquisitive and curious about everything, you like your little (big) sister Shannon were always reading well above your age group  and your teachers were forever commenting on this.  I remember you telling me one day that when your teacher asked what you were reading when you were about nine she was amazed to learn that you had just read Beowulf by Seamus Heaney and that you were getting ready to read To Kill a Mocking Bird by Harper Lee, you never do go for the easy stuff and you still don't.  I love browsing in the bookshops with you.

It is this willingness to tackle the hard stuff at so early a time in your development and to love the process of learning that you do, that made you feel so sad about not coming to see me when I was so ill, but on the other hand this made me so happy as it shows that you both care so much for me but also in the need to be tested on all the new things and subjects that you are learning in your new school.  You made the right decision and you should know that I and Grandma and your mum and dad support you and love you for being who you are and for being the caring loving daughter and granddaughter and human being that you are and will continue to be for the rest of your long life.

I made you a promise recently; about how long I was going to hang around before popping my cloggs.  I know, that you know, that not all promises made can be kept and you know I will try and keep that promise but that I may not be able to.  You are wise enough to understand that, and I know that you are going to be heart broken when the time comes to say goodbye forever,  But when that day finally comes you will find it incredibly hard to move on and get over it, BUT YOU MUST.  Remember all the good times and there are thousand of photographs of you and your sisters and your cousins (ok, I admit it now, I was and am a pain in the butt with my camera, but I love you all too much not to always be taken snaps of you and I won't stop until, well whenever) and you will have these forever with loads of them with me in them too, to remind  you forever of our special bond.

You will need the support of mum and dad and grandma and aunty Marie and uncle's Peter and Brian and your sisters and cousins will be sad too and you as the eldest will need to be really strong to support and help them through that dark period ahead, as your friends Ewan and Holly and others will help you through it and to move on.

Moving on isn't forgetting and not being sad, you are allowed to be sad, But, it is about coming to terms with the cycle of life, knowing one day that those you love will pass on and no longer be part of your life, but we can still be part of your existence. You can call on and recall the good times and the life lessons, the books and the TV and films and the news that we discussed and talked about. You can recall the first time I gave you a sweet when we were walking back from the shops and you asked me what it was called and I replied it was a 'Big Purple One' and you replied, "I'm in purple heaven granddad". This made me smile and still does as I recall it now.

You can remember when we took Lacey Mae and Shannon to the theatre to see their first musical, The Lion King and Granddad crying like a baby when he saw the absolute look of joy and happiness on Lacey Mae's face when that curtain went up and how she sat there laughing and smiling and clapping for the whole performance and granddad was so happy to be alive to see that joy and happiness on all your faces.

The look on your face when you got your first hot towel on your first visit to an Indian restaurant at the end of the meal, I will never forget these moments Mollie and you should remember them when feeling a bit sad too, they will make you happy and sad again, but I think more happier than sad....

My life has been pretty good Mollie.  I met Grandma in Berlin in 1974 and we got married two years later.  We had three wonderful children in Marie, Jennifer and Brian.  Aunty Marie and your mummy Jennifer gave us you and your sisters and Charlie and Holly and we have been blessed having you all in our lives along with your dad Steve and Uncle Peter.

So, the whole point of this Mollie Ing is tell you that I will always support you in your decisions and your decision to stay at home and go to school was the right one.  Your education is the most important thing right now.  You should never stop the learning process.  Some people will tell you that a good education isn't the be all and end all and that you can get on in life without education. that may be true for a small minority in the world but what they don't tell you is that while they might not have the academic qualifications because they do possess an intellect and drive that propels them to be successful in their endeavours and their lack of educational qualifications was probably due to boredom brought about by poor teaching methods, that does happen, or they just weren't getting challenged enough in the learning process.  You on the other hand don't seem to get bored with any of the new subjects that you are learning at your new school and you have always enjoyed the schooling process and you always seem to benefit from having good teachers willing to impart their knowledge to you, helping and encouraging you through the various curriculum's.  Stay on that road Mollie learn, learn learn, be the smartest and brightest star in the school and you will be able with your drive and ambition to achieve anything you want to in the future and I will be somewhere looking down and smiling and enjoying your successes for all time  

Love you chuckles xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cancer Sucks!

As you may know by now I have been diagnosed with cancer which, they tell me is terminal and apparently if I believe them, I have seven months left of the year or so left that the nice doctors gave me..... yeah, right says I; I intend to be around for a while yet 

Anyways, I saw this video and it makes me SMILE more than usual and I'm sure even if not a cancer sufferer, it will make you SMILE too.  The sheer joy of life and the beautiful smiles of these gorgeous ladies is well worth a visit and a revisit and a repost.

The message is:

DON'T LET IT GET YOU DOWN 

and 

SMILE 

DEATH CAFÉS and that unmentionable topic

Saw a tweet this morning from The Guardian which took me to an article on Death Cafés, check it out,   http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/mar/22/death-cafe-talk-about-dying?CMP=twt_fd , 

(c) Cartoonnetwork

it makes for interesting reading. It's all about the growing movement of a cafe, whether it is in an actual cafe or in someone's front room, where folk gather to talk about and discuss Death!

A morbid subject you might think, and about a year ago I might have been of the same mind. But, since being confirmed as a person with cancer in May last year and then being giving 'about' a year to live from last September, death is a bit of a constant companion. Oh, don't worry too much about me, as I've said in other posts, I have come close to this on a number of occasions before, and told Mr D to go take a flying F*^k and he has, and I'm treating this little episode in exactly the same way.

Having said all of that, you do have to also deal with the reality of it all, and things do need to be discussed within the family, with friends and of course with work.

I think I caused a wee bit of upset within my close family circle over the news of my impending death as I accepted it and thought we should discuss it openly, even informing the Grandkids, aged 10, 7 (3) and 2, although of course the latter was excused as it would mean nothing to her until she noticed I am gone when that finally happens.  There were tears especially from Ishbel who steadfastly refused to enter into any kind of discussion on the mater at all for weeks and weeks and even now, still has difficulty in talking about it.  But it has to be done as things do have to be sorted out:

Wills 

(c) cartoonstock,com

Finances including  mortgage, insurance, shares, premiums bonds that may be in individual names, pension funds 

Transference of certain accounts, that in many instances are in the male partners name such as Telephones, cable TV, water, gas and electricity, mobile phone accs the list can go on

Funeral

Notes on how to change the telly from TV to Wii to DVD not everyone knows how to do this .......

So, as you can see there can be lots to talk about. 

For example, when I was 'thrown' out of the Army I received a military pension after being shot. The thing about this pension is, it only survives as long as I do, or until I reach retirement age, and then I lose it. So, if it's the former, Ishbel needs to know how to contact them to let them know I have shuffled off so that payments can be stopped, otherwise when they do find out they just go straight back into the account they were paying into and take whatever overpayment they have made in one go, regardless of the surviving partners financial state of affairs.....

Now that wouldn't be a problem, if the surviving partner has forgotten, and as long as the partner dying has taken out life insurance to leave the survivor comfortably off, after paying off the mortgage and any debts you might have had, but if you haven't done that THEN SORT IT OUT, NOW.....

Honestly people, if there is one thing you take away from this post, it should be that YOU NEED SUFFICIENT INSURANCE COVER, not just enough to pay off the mortgage and debts but enough to leave the surviving partner with a comfortable standard of living.  

(c) carttonstock.com

Regrettably, I haven't done too well in that area. That's not to say that we haven't got a few pounds stashed away and there is a cushion there but Ishbel is not going to be able to become the Merry Widow, partying, dancing and hitting the high spots of Thurrock, after my passing, no, she is going to have to work until retirement age in that miserable shopping mall next to the Dartford bridge/tunnel.  Not that I am advocating that you, the survivor, should stop work after the passing of the partner, as the comfort and support and routine of getting up and out to work and interacting with work colleagues can be just as important as that from family and close friends and in many instances today, family do not always live close by, so continuing to work may be a good option.  But, you could be losing a large chunk of income when one partner goes, if it is the male partner (sadly we still earn more salary than our wives, in many instances) who departs the mortal coil.  

Your mortgage will hopefully be paid off, your debts even. But again you don't get a reduction on your cable or utility bills just because the household has gone down from two to one and these bills still need to be paid along with council tax here in the UK, although I do note on that last one, you can get a 20% reduction on that when one of the household kicks the bucket.... Who says local and national governments are heartless, oops me, I think, but every little helps.

I know for a fact one of my kids hasn't got any insurance, nor her partner. I was talking to a friend recently, they have a very large mortgage it is in one partners name, and one of them isn't insured, bad mistake friends, very bad.  Even if it isn't an illness that grabs and takes you, it could be that you walk round the corner and someone knocks a flower pot off their window ledge onto your head, lights out, dead, partner and family stuffed... SORT IT OUT PEOPLE, TODAY, PLEASE.

And of course the final message here is, Talk about these things, they are important 

But do keep SMILING xxxxxx

Dying, it really can be frustrating...

So, you all see the photos of me that I post from time to time and let's be honest, even almost a year after being initially confirmed as a person who has cancer I still look pretty good if still somewhat rotund ....

If the doctors are to be believed I now only have 7 months left of the year they estimated that I have left to live, but again being honest I really don't even think about it except along the lines of, yeah, right.  No, I think I will last the seven months and like the Duracell bunny I'll just keep going on and on and on until one day suddenly the cancer will probably sit up and say, ' hey, this tit is giving me a run for my money so I think I'll up my game a bit and make him suffer!'

Well if that's the case then so be it, but until that date it can go and get stuffed and I will continue to grab onto life and enjoy it with Ishbel, the kids and the Grandkids  and with all you wonderful folk popping in from time to time to keep me company.

Since the day the surgeon suggested it wouldn't be a good idea to operate I have been resigned to the fact that my death is going to come a lot earlier than expected and there is no doubt that I did feel more than a tad down about that especially as the Grandkids, apart from one are at ages where it will hurt them the most, with the youngest Lacey Mae still too young to comprehend what would be happening and even when she missed me she would still be so young that she would soon get over it and forget me apart from the silly stories her mum, and sisters would relate to her to try and remind her of me.

Death is not something, we as a family dwell on too much apart from me using it as a means to an end ... 'what, you're kidding, I can't do that or go there, I'm dying, give me a break...', usually to be told to piss off by Jennifer with the added rejoinder, you're taking your time then......

And then I get the call from the GP 'a surgery from a new nurse inviting me in for my annual asthma check up. On learning that she is new I ask if she has checked my records, no, not really, she replies. Oh, right, says I, so you don't know I have terminal cancer and there is not much point in me coming in, is there.

To be honest and thinking about it later I felt like a complete shit putting her on the spot like that but again I have never really been a fan of that annual check up. My first question to the old nurse ( who wasn't old really) was usually, have you found a cure yet for asthma. No, she'd reply. Then why am I here then, I've got better things to do with my life than take time out to come here ONCE A YEAR ...... yeah I know what an arse hole,  I know, I know......

And then I have to attend the hospital every two months at the moment and these oncologists are busy folk, there seems to be a lot of cancer patients to see and I imagine that it wears them down.  But with the cancer, apart from attending Broomfields hospital, there was just something about that place that really got to me and my irritation did show through, but generally I have accepted my fate and just get on with it. I attend hospital, I sit there and feel sorry for some of the others who look close to deaths door and clearly with much further advanced cancer than me and I feel sorry for them BUT glad that it isn't me ...

Not once have we attended the hospital and been seen by the oncologist or registrar anywhere near to the time of our appointment.  Today was typical of that.  Our appointment was for 4.15 and as usual I turn up a good 50 minutes early, a) to get a parking space and b) in the hope that I might get in early! Not much chance of that, but I keep trying anyway. We were finally called to see the registrar at 5PM, 45 minutes after the scheduled time.

It's one of those things and as I said earlier, there seems to be an awful lot of folk with cancer to be seen and I've noticed that depending on how poorly or well the person looks like going in, depends on the time spent with the doctor.  I also imagine as well that where a person is having difficulty in dealing with their situation and maybe tearful , etc, I can't imagine the doctors rushing through the consultation and throwing them out of the consulting room. It's just the way it is.

So then there was this one guy there today.  He looked a good bit younger than me, which also may have accounted somewhat for his attitude, but he also looked about as bad as me and you know what I'm saying here... Not that bad, considering the diagnosis .... So, he had been in there when we arrived. I noticed him as there were plenty of chairs in the waiting room, which was it's usual busy self, but he was perched leaning against the window ledge, staring at the corridor and the consulting room doors.  Eventually one of the nurses spoke to him and the next thing we hear is him ranting at the nurse. 'I've been here for ages, all these others are coming in after me and they're being bloody taken in to see the doctor in front of me. I've only been given 6 months to bloody live and I've got better things to do with my bloody time than to stand here and be ignored ....'

And with that he turned and stormed out the door.

Now, I can and do understand his frustration. You can see from my own experiences above, that I too, along with every other cancer patient attending the clinic, have to sit for long periods and the first thing you do on turning up, you look at the board.  Today it said, 'waiting time for Dr Chan, 30 minutes' but mine was 45 minutes.  Is there not enough oncologists and registrars, clearly not.  Is that the fault of the doctors, probably not? Is it the fault of the nurses, most definitely not?

Obviously I don't know this chaps particular circumstances. And my attitude, again as you know, having been shot, stabbed, crippled, nearly drowned (3 times) and all that as an adult and then of course there was all the near misses I had as a kid, I really was reckless and nearly died on a couple of occasions between the ages of 6 and 12 as I didn't recognise the danger of situations I put myself into, I accepted, quite calmly the news that my days were finally numbered.  Having accepted it, I now just get on with living my life enjoying almost every minute of it and dragging myself out of bed to go to work every day, even when I really don't feel like it.

Will this state of mind continue as my condition begins to deteriorate, I would like to think so, but who can tell.  I just hope this chap comes to terms with his situation, for his sake and those close to him.  All the doctors and nurses who look after me, and him, at Basildon hospital really are there to help and assist and make life as comfortable for us as they are able to and through no fault of theirs, we, the cancer patients, will always outnumber the number of people who are giving every day of their lives to look after us to the best of their ability, training and calling.  They are not there, when we turn up, huddled behind a closed door, drawing our names from a hat, to see who is going to get seen. Some patients condition are much more progressed than others and some have conditions that are much more complicated.

Some of us, need to have the information given to us by the doctor repeated ad infinitum, and in simple terms that we can understand.  This isn't a visit to the GP that you know will only last 5 or 10 minutes and the sooner that poor chap comes to realise that, hopefully for him, he can get on with living his life and maybe, just maybe getting rid of his anger may slow the progress of his deterioration.

BTW: I didn't get to see pretty wee Olivia Chan my oncologist and ended up with tall handsome Ewan, her new registrar, which pleased Ishbel no end as apparently he was delicious ...... Sheesh and all I got was an increase in meds.  ah well, maybe  I'll get wee Olly next time .....