A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night
with her for £500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does
not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write
a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR
APARTMENT.' On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclosed the following
typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a cheque in the amount of £250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount
agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had neverbeen occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon
receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque
for £250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if
you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed
of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady.
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One
day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd
better see a doctor."
"Listen,
don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten
seconds and only costs five pounds a lot quicker and better than a
doctor".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout:
"You
have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It
will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack
hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He Deposits five
pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better... thank you for shopping at Asda
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A gentleman asked a
waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took
the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over
there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine
coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note
to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from
her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For
me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million
dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note,
the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed
it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your
information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a
Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank
account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches
off. Just send the bottle back.”
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One day in the future, George
Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list, but I have no
room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
Believe it or not I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the
devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing over and over again. Such was his fate in hell. "No,"George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer & I don't think I could do that all day long".
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied behind his head, and his legs in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush looked in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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COMPUTERS
(Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cos the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary
risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me......
How about you?
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TRADITIONAL
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell the herd and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create irritating cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them world-wide at a fantastic profit.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.
ENGLISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman
who reported the numbers.
A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The younger one is rather attractive
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 stolen bulls but think they are cows
You die the first time you try and milk them.
AN IRISH CORPORATION
Who cares, The EU Really owns them now and the pub is still serving.
AN
AFRICAN CORPORATION
You had three cows.
You shot one of them, gave the second 24 hours to get out of the field and
put the third with the Swiss Corporation as the President's retirement fund.
Then you tell everyone to blame colonialism for the shortage of milk.
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It
was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post
through all kinds of
weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
family there who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with
a gift cheque for £50.
At
the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew
his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, beans and freshly-squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a five pound note sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words,"he
said, "but what's the fiver
for?"
Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you.
He said, "F**k him....Give him a fiver." "The breakfast was my idea."
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Two
priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"
garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking towards them. Again she nodded
at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk
away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.
