As a husband of over 35 years I have become aware of things that I do naturally that I know really irritates the hell out of my wife, Ishbel. Some of these natural occurrences and albeit irritations to her are, I believe, completely unreasonable!
Example 1: Farting (American = Gas)
Now we men know that this is something that is a completely natural occurrence in all species with a stomach who eat and digest food EXCEPT for the female human species!
It is described thus, in Wikipedia;
Flatulence is the expulsion through the rectum of a mixture of gases that are byproducts of the digestion process of mammals and other animals. The medical term for the mixture of gases is flatus, informally known as a fart, or simply (in American English) gas. The gases are expelled from the rectum in a process colloquially referred to as "passing gas", "breaking wind" or "farting". Flatus is brought to the rectum by the same peristaltic process which causes feces to descend from the large intestine. The noises commonly associated with flatulence are caused by the vibration of the anal sphincter, and occasionally by the closed buttocks.
So, dependant on the food stuff shovelled into the face and down the throat, it is natural and sometimes it just, as it were, bursts forth uncontrollably and loudly. We have no control over it! It just happens and if it happens when out with the other half in a crowded space we men just ignore it but women have to make a song and dance about it, why? So what, if it was a bit smelly, who cares? Well women do of course and as we know, they are not guilty of this, really they don't. I mean I have been married for over 35 years and never once in all that time have I been out, sitting watching the telly or have been lying in bed, have I ever heard or smelled a fart from Ishbel!
Oh, and not lets, forget my alter ego Mr Fat with the big gut, so there is plenty of room in there for gasses to be building up and there is only one escape valve, so what's the deal there with the unreasonable attitude, sheesh, we never win do we?
Example 2. Bogeys (American = Boogers)
Another unreasonable irritation that wives have with us husbands is of course the. 'great bogey pick'. Come on what's wrong with this, there is something up there it irritates the hell out of us and it has to be got rid of and what is the easiest way to do that, right, pick it out, isn't it. This airy fairy practice of carrying a handkerchief about in your pocket and then applying this to your nose before blowing your brains out as you try and dislodge the offending bogey and then stuffing this wet soggy hanky back into your pocket. come on, pick and flick, it's much easier, isn't it?
And anyway if you click on the link above you will findf another interesting fact that I was unaware of as well, and one that I can honestly say I have never tried, but who knows, once the thought is there, sometimes you just can't get rid of it, no, no, that one is not for me but here it is just in case you were interested and wanted to give it a try for yourself:
Friedrich Bischinger, a lung specialist at Privatklinik Hochrum in Innsbruck, says that nose-picking and eating the result is beneficial for the immune system.
Oh, and over the years another discovery I made is that when you pick a particularly gooey one and roll it around between thumb and finger it tends to clean all the dirt from the finger tips, so there is another beneficial reason, right!
And why is, that my girls, who are now all grown up and both of whom were great 'pickers' in their day, as taught by dad, get the serious hump when grand dad attempts to teach their kids to do what comes naturally to them, I don't understand!
Now to the Socks!
Over the last couple of days I have gone into my sock drawer, I usually do this at night to get my socks and shorts out for the morning as I am usually up and gone, long before Ishbel opens her very tired eyes and it really irritates her if her slumber is disturbed unnaturally by the screeching of a tallboy drawer or any other unnatural sound, before she is ready to rise for the day, another one of those things you learn afters so many years of wonderful marriage.....
So, I was surprised to find that when I went into the drawer to get my socks for the morning that every pair I had taken out had holes in them at the heel. Now, I change my socks every day, and I know when there are holes in them, cos I throw them out and they don't even see the wash basket, so I know when they went into the wash basket THEY DID NOT HAVE HOLES IN THEM.. and anyway what other wife out there would find holey socks in the wash basket, put them in the wash, dry them, fold them and put them back in the drawer, not many I would hazard, even if you thought they were your smelly old hubbies favourites, no they would be thrown straight in the bin, wouldn't they?
But I am glad in a way that Ishbel did not do that because if she had you wouldn't have got to read my thoughts on this subject and that would have been a tragedy of Shakespearian proportions now wouldn't it? So, I had taken these socks out over the last couple of days and rather than throw them in the bin, I thought I must ask Ishbel what the hell I did to deserve this attack on my poor defenceless socks, so I just dumped them on top of the dresser, and there they remained until this morning, Sunday, and this is how the conversation went.
Me, " By the way, what have you been doing to my socks, they all have holes in them?"
Ishbel, "Nothing, they were like that when I got them!"
Me, "No they weren't they were fine, I know they were holeless"
Ishbel, " Well it must have been the washer or the drier, but mine were fine when they went in and came out"
Me, "So, it was a selective attack by the washer or the drier, ON ME and MY SOCKS, then?"
Ishbel, "Don't be an arse (now when she says that she has a way about it with that 'Dystonia Voice' that doesn't make it sound as bad as I know she means, strange!) and anyway sometimes when I put your socks in only one comes out"!
Now I have noticed this over the years, that sometimes I only find one sock from a pair but for whatever reason I have failed to raise it as an issue, but now that SHE had raised it well, it was an opening...
Me, "What, you're telling me that for thirty odd years, that the various washers and driers that we have owned have somehow taken against me, ME PERSONALLY, not you, not Marie, not Brian, not Jennifer BUT ME, what did I ever do to them?"
Ishbel, "You're being an arse again"
Me, "But this is serious, you're telling me that you put all of the dirty clothing in the washer and the drier and it they wash and dry and present back to you all of the clothes that you put in, cleaned and dried and in as good a state of repair as they went in and in pairs, EXCEPT FOR MINE, what's going on?"
By this time we are in the car as I drive her to work in Lakeside and I am not letting go...
Me, "So, this thing with my socks.....
Ishbel, Oh, give it a rest, it was the sock fairy that put holes in your socks and makes them disappear..."
Me, with a look of dawning understanding beginning to take shape on my pudgy Mr Fat face, "Oh, I see, what, the same fairies that used to get the kids into trouble when thy were kids. The biscuit fairy that stole the last chocolate digestive biscuit! The missing this or that fairy that spirited away an item that I was looking for and I knew exactly where I had put it but it wasn't there any longer fairy! The I didn't put those holes in the front of my new house slippers that you bought me yesterday that have holes in them today fairy! The Broken crockery fairy........"
Ishbel, "Pick me up at five and don't be late now bugger of and enjoy winding yourself up for the rest of the day..." As she jumps out of the car before it has almost not stopped .....
Now what have I done to get that look, I only asked!