Don't blame me if you're not laughing, it's the way you're reading them

TWO PRIESTS

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall in the dim light and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap

"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells,

"Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"


TO GOOD TO BE TRUE

A beautiful woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, "You are perfection, I must have you right now! I'll drop £500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have had my way with you roughly from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend on her mobile phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said, "He's an idiot, take it cos when he drops the £500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it
up and run before he even gets his pants down. "Call me back and tell me what happened." The friend says.

An hour and a half later the lady had still not called back so her friend called her, "Well? What happened?" the friend asked.

The lady said, "The fu***r had it in 50p's"


NUNS IN HEAVEN

 A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They're all at the Pearly Gates...

St Peter asks the first nun, "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.

St Peter asks the next nun the same question. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well I once fondled and stroked one..."

St Peter says, "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate..."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion as one nun pushes her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front St Peter says "Sister, what seems to be the rush?"

The nun replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

THE SERGEANT MAJOR

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"


The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

DECENCY ON THE LINKS (NEARLY FORGOT THIS ONE)

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman mmediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers-why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!"


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"

She too explains, "You dinnae gi me enough hoosekeeping money ya wee tight thistle spitting scots git you, to be able to afford any."

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"