If you walk into a Gay Bar, how do you know?

The Bathtub Test

The  Bathtub Test  

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the  director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be  institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a  bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient  and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I  said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the  spoon or the teacup."

Answer from the Director

"No." said the director, "A normal person  would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"  

ARE YOU GOING  TO  PASS THIS ON,  OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO  MINE??

I will Not F*^&$*^ Smile

I was clearing out my emails today and came across this sequence from 2010 and thought I would share:

I received this from a colleague in a weak attempt to make me smile

-----Original Message-----
From: Paul K
To: Tom Stronach
Sent: Wed, 21 Apr 2010 8:53
Subject: smile

 

Did I read the sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


I was in my usual -in the f*&^%*& office - mood and sent this reply

From: tom stronach
Sent: 21 April 2010 09:30
To: Paul K
Subject: Re: smile

 

Do you bloody mind.....

 

I most certainly WILL NOT f*****G smile 

 

I have invested a lot of time and effort in mastering the art of the scowl, grimace and general unpleasantness that comes with working in P..... for L..  and NB and this general attack by L.. Management on my whole attitude of generally being a bit of a miserable bastard will be ignored and we would be pleased if you would refrain from further unsolicited attacks or the attempted undermining of our generally accepted belligerent demeanour 

 

So, F**k Off..............................

 

and finally received this reply - it's good when people remember what my job description entails

-----Original Message-----
From: Paul K 
To: Tom Stronach - 
Sent: Wed, 21 Apr 2010 11:48
Subject: RE: smile

Hi Tom, pleased to note (and apologies for forgetting the requirement in your job description) your curmudgeonly attitude prevails, and that you remain a fully paid up member (with a potential nomination for grand poobar) of the P.....  chapter of the Grumpy Old Farts brigade ….

S#d off then…..

 

Book review Poems of Love and Hate by Julia R Barrett

How well do you know your friends on Twitter. You may never have met them and they might even be a well established author of a particular genre, that might not altogether be your cup of tea, but you have looked at it and that too has given you preconceptions of 'your friend'.

You have read her numerous blogs and found her to be funny, laughing out loud at her take on events in her life, even when they have been excruciatingly painful, as they happen to her, and she clearly sees the funny side of them too...

Then you have conversations with her and her friends on twitter and they make you laugh till your sides hurt and damn them (metaphorically only of course) they make you laugh so much you have to reach for the asthma pump...  So you've got to know her pretty well as a distant un-met dear friend.

Then out of left field she tells you in one quicky post (no I didn't feel used, that's what blogs and tweets can be quickies) that she is going to publish a book of poems and suddenly it is there and you take the day to read through them and you think... hell. I don't know this woman at all.  These are good. They are quite painful, the book is entitled  "Poems of Love and Hate"  by J.R. Barrett......

You wonder if the woman you have a dialogue with is on her 'second' attempt at life as the life she writes about in her blog bears no resemblance to the life she writes about in her book of poems.

You wonder if she has experienced the highs and the lows, the extreme love and the extreme pain that so often can be the flip side of that thing we call love, why 'Becuz' it's  all there in those 18 poems  and then you see some traits of your own contained in those poems and you wonder, 'are we all like that''

I used to,  'just sit there with your sports section And your bowl of cereal As if you're entitled And I'm Not'

I know this but I changed .... and became better, I hope for the change

But then you read, I remember the evening You beat me    Because YOU spilled the orange juice .....

Is this the same woman I have known for only a few months but it feels like years?  Well apparently it is and I don't know her half as much as I should and neither do you....

But you can rectify that easily by having a look at this moving tender and sometimes painful work of poems by an extraordinary woman   Julia R Barrett and her book Poems of Love and Hate

Available on Amazon US here and Amazon UK here

Outstanding