Son-in Law having a funny turn, or is he?

Had this forwarded from one of my sons-in-law,  I thought he was having a funny turn but all was revealed to be well, in the end .........  Women A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry. I'm thinking of whisky. It's whisky that does all that shit. Never mind.

Mr Fat: An Update

So, Sunday 1st September and I woke up feeling like a new man today... I have no idea why,still have cancer, still have a 30 odd centimetre tumour growing from my oesophagus downwards to gawd knows where, and I was taken off the chemo two weeks ago as it was making me terribly ill and giving me particularly dark thoughts.

I don't think I would ever have ended it but I do have to confess the footbridge across the M25 close to us was looking particularly inviting but then I would have had to call myself all kinds of names and used extreme profanity in a self loathing description for causing havoc to the road users who suffer every day on that parking lot approaching the Dartford crossing!

I thought that as soon as I came off the chemo that I would start to feel much better but alas not. And I seemed to just get worse as the last two weeks progressed. I felt not too bad yesterday morning, last day of summer, managing a trip to the supermarket with Ishbel but from the moment we got back home I really did feel like a luke warm cadaver ready to be picked over by a committee of vultures. I couldn't even manage to take Ishbel to work later who had been asked to do some overtime. In fact she says she said goodbye to me and that I was wide awake when she gave me a kiss and a cuddle but I couldn't even remember any of that either.....

Today, a complete volte face if you like I feel absolutely marvellous and it may well be just a short lived hiatus, the chemo may now be out of my system and I am patiently awaiting the next phase, having had a CAT scan during the week, hopefully ahead of surgery, which I am hoping will be in the next few weeks if not sooner and then no doubt back on the chemo. So, I am going to make the best of today with Ishbel's warnings ringing in my ears to not be a tit and not to start rushing about today doing all the jobs I have been ignoring, the garden, stripping the hall and stair paperwork that Steve my defacto son-in-law started a couple of weeks ago and generally tidying up although I have managed to keep on top of the ironing ......

What I haven't managed to do is any reading, although I have pre ordered the next Kydd novel CARIBEE from the wonderful Julian Stockwin and the next in the series from Bernard Cornwell in the Uhtred, The Pagan Lord, as he serves the Kings of Wessex and tries to retake Bebbanburg in the North, so looking forward to them. Nor have I managed to keep up with all my friends blogs and posts or to engage on Twitter so apologies to my friend for all that but if I 'go dark' again don't worry too much as I am and always will be, a Survivor......

And then, I started this, which I think may have been a bad idea but got to press on now ....

Keep smiling :-))))

Isle of Wight Literary Festival

TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE for the second Isle of Wight Literary Festival, sponsored by Red Funnel, in Cowes on October 18-20. This year’s line-up includes some hot tickets, so don’t forget to book early! Tickets are priced from £4.00 with the majority of events costing just £8.50 per ticket. There are also a limited number of special passes, which entitle holders to visit as many events as they like for just £1 per session. Daily passes are available for Friday 18, Saturday 18 or Sunday 20 October at £13.50 per day, or a full weekend pass costs £34.00. New additions to the packed programme include Westminster wit Simon Hoggart, who will be entertaining the Trinity Theatre, Cowes on Saturday 19 with tales from the corridors of power.  Then on Sunday night there will be more hilarity from Tim Brooke-Taylor. Tim has been delighting audiences with his gentle, zany humour ever since he rocketed from the Cambridge Footlights to West End stardom alongside John Cleese and Bill Oddie, before starring in TV’s ‘The Goodies’, and BBC Radio’s ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’. Be entertained by Tim in conversation with broadcast journalist and former ‘That’s Life!’ co-presenter Chris Serle at Trinity Theatre on Sunday evening. Other new speakers joining the amazing line-up are blogger of the moment A Girl Called Jack, whose austerity food has captured the public imagination. She’ll be joining supper-club innovator MsMarmiteLover to talk about food blogging, cookbook writing, and their personal inspirations. Guardian writer Sue Arnold also joins the bill, talking about the wonder of spoken stories. They will be speaking alongside renowned journalists including Charles Moore and Sir Max Hastings, famous authors Louis de Bernieres, Kate Mosse, Nicci French,Conn Iggulden, Felix Francis and Chris Cleave, television and radio star Penelope Keith, and many more. For budding writers there is also a packed schedule of events, including a creative writing workshop with international best-selling author Jason Goodwin, and a ‘Dragons Den’competition where brave authors can pitch their synopsis and opening chapter to three brilliant publishing professionals, all in front of an audience.  Deborah Moggach, author of ‘Tulip Fever’ and ‘The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel’, will be holding a unique masterclass on turning books into film, and three big hitters of the literary world – Christopher MacLehose  (the man who brought us Stieg Larsson),Richard Charkin of Bloomsbury Publishing and James Heneage (founder of Ottakar’s Bookshops and Booker Prize judge) will be holding a debate on the future of publishing. FRIENDS AND VOLUNTEERS Support the Isle of Wight Festival and become a Friend for just £10. All Festival Friends will be entered into a monthly draw to win a weekend pass for one. The August winner of the draw is James Bookings. Or sign up as a volunteer to help with running the Festival in Cowes. We welcome people of all ages and skills to assist at this fantastic and great fun event. Email to register your interest at volunteer@isleofwightliteraryfestival.org For more details see www.isleofwightliteraryfestival.org Find us on Facebook or Twitter

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Don't know where this came from but thought it worth a share ..........

(c) Telegraph

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at
the Gwinnett  courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and
lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft
and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought
there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out
a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and
proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?'
he commented with evident embarrassment.  In the process of doing the deed,
Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his
audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked
up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'  Officer Taylor went
on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ...  'I said: 'Excuse
me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me
straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'

The Local Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line
ever.'