Port De Soller Mallorca

Port De Soller Mallorca

Sunday, 12 August 2012

London 2012, The Closing Ceremony

(c) Metro

This is what I said in my post for the opening ceremony

I have to say though that after the first 10 minutes I nearly turned it off. We were presented with a gentle meander through the British Isles Green and Pleasant Lands and with the four nations presenting child choirs singing their 'national' songs. It was nice but it was hardly gripping as an opening segment to an Olympiad and it appeared to be sinking into a bit of a boring abyss. But, I stuck with it and was glad that I did. As it progressed, it got better, much better.

An so to the Closing Ceremony it could have got off to a better start if the wonderful Emeli Sande had been given a better song to perform and her outfit had been bought from a fashion shop and not from the rag and bone man.  I take no pleasure in that as she is one of my hotties on my repeat playlists at the moment and her performance in the opening ceremony was magnificent.

She was followed by a bunch of Guys hanging from a big Ferris wheel in the middle of the stadium banging some buckets not very tunefully, and then accompanied by a choir, I have no idea what they were singing.

We then had the unfortunate sight of Timothy Spall (one of our finest actors) popping out of the top of Big Ben as Churchill reciting from Shakespeare's Tempest!!!!!

The set for this spectacular was a bunch of vehicles and people done up in newsprint.  We then had an Orchestra strike up playing some unknown tune which then descended into a cacophony of noise only to be ended by Churchill screaming at them to stop, so he was useful after all, as they obeyed.

Prince Harry and the boss of the Olympics, Rogge (sic) were introduced and then the National Anthem was played followed by a screen shot of a young Michael Caine counting down from 5 and then the mini from The Italian job blowing up!

Madness popped up on the back of a truck  to be accompanied by the massed bands of the Guards Division, with the former singing Our House 

We are now 10 minutes in and it is CRAP 
It's not getting any better as we get the Pet Shop Boys singing West End Town, you'd have thought they could have at least changed the lyrics to East End Town for the night as it was the East End of London who have been tortured for the last seven years of construction work and mayhem, but that's probably only me being my usual misery guts  - Oh, and no back of a truck for them no, they had a couple of Rick-Shaw's, those awful contraptions that seem to be everywhere in the 'West End' and they had one each too. 

Back to the flat bed trucks and some band called One Direction popped up singing Light up my World, they certainly weren't lighting mine up, so I went and had a fag and lit my own up.  Now by this time I didn't want to miss any of this riveting spectacle so I was watching it through the kitchen window, which was closed, and that made it sound much better .....
We were then treated to Stomp, lots of guys and gals with dustbins and sticks who were actually the best bit so far but then it all fell apart with the introduction of  some outfit called Spellbound, not quite sure who/ what they were,  all dressed in their one piece skin tight black and red romper suits prancing about like skinny versions of the telly tubbies.  Gave me more of an appreciation of the tubbies though!
Now I thought McCartney was a wash out at the opening ceremony, but then I've always thought that about him so when Ray Davies of the Kinks popped up singing Waterloo Sunset, at last we are on to a winner with one of our finest golden oldie singer songwriters: Well we might have been in for a treat if he could still actually sing but sounded as flat as the proverbial pancake, ah well, life is full of disappointments, and I really should know better by now, but I never learn..... at least it is still a fine song 

Poor old Emeli Sande was offered up again like the sacrificial Christian in the Roman amphitheatre I suspect trying to recapture her wonderfulness from the opening ceremony, but even now I can't remember what she was singing, so it didn't work for me, nor did the evocative pictures accompanying her piece 

We are now 31 minutes into the closing ceremony and it feels like we are into the second month Oh dear, someone please switch off the life support and release the long suffering patient from any more agony, please, but then we did get some respite as the Flag Bearers entered the stadium Thank you for small mercies, for that interruption.  This was followed by the athletes coming into the stadium  and things were beginning to pick up with Elbow singing Open Arms and One day Like this as the athletes came in through the crowds of seated spectators.

Just as we finally have someone worth listening to they interrupt it to hand out the medals to the Marathon Runners.  Build our hopes up and then dash them just as quickly seems to be the theme then.....

Flowers to the volunteers next  but they must have used them all up during the last two weeks as they only managed about half a dozen of those pathetic wee poseys they have been handing out to the athletes and there was me thinking there was about 70,000 volunteers, bless.....   That was over fairly quickly though, can't have these volunteers hanging about any longer now as we don't need them any more and we got a quick blast of Queen, no, not the one from Windsor - she's still trying to get that skelf out from under her fingernails from the opening ceremony so couldn't make this one, but our Freddie's Queen for about 30 seconds,  followed by John Lennon and Imagine and a kiddies choir 

Picking up now, you can't go wrong with Mr George Michael and we got Freedom and White Light quickly followed by the Kaiser Chiefs singing Pinball Wizard arriving on the back of 1950's scooters it could have been Madness all over again.  A David Bowie montage followed with an introduction to British fashion with a bunch of, to numerous to mention, (and not that I could anyway) 'super models' Oh, and one guy in a shiny suit, who may well also have been a super model, but what the hell would I know....

An over the top (but wouldn't have it any other way) Annie Lennox singing Little Bird being carried forth on what looked like a representation of a Viking ship, although I wouldn't think it could have floated as it had no sides but it did have lots of scantily clad women and some escapees from Stand and Deliver!
Ed Shereen and a couple of other guys who I think were actually more well known and established than Mr Shereen, who has about as much shelf life as an already stale loaf of bread, can't see what the hype is all about with that guy, can you.

Now was that the mad hatter or the child catcher I just saw, it's all becoming a Blur, no not the group; stop wishful thinking, you know you'll only be disappointed...

I think that was a Beatles montage followed by Fatboy slim obviously a quiet night in Balearic's or Brighton beach  

Jessie J, no truck for her to fall off, she gets a convertible Rolls Royce, pity it was a left hand drive, strangely you don't see many of them on UK roads, left hand drive ones, that is  she was accompanied by Tinie Tempeh, wow he had one too, maybe Rolls Royce and the Coalition are trying to tell us something, like we are all going to have to start driving on the 'wrong' side of the road from next week, mind you getting the roads back away from Locoq or is it Lowcock, I was never quite sure? And then Taio Cruz  ( who the hell is he?) had another one, all left hand drives, but never mind they were made by Rolls Royce and had the wee flying lady on the front......

Black London cabs  disgorging the Spice Girls and I will admit to two things here, One, I met them when they were filming in London Docklands in the nineties for that appalling movie they made when I was head of the contract security team for the London Docklands Development Corporation , a long dead quango, and Two, I like them,  and they did not disappoint as they sung and clung on to the roof's of their respective black cabs.  Think badly of me if you will, my senses are now dulled anyway so your slings and stones will cause no pain.

Beady Eye WTF, singing Oasis it wasn't until there was a close up that I realised it was a Gallagher brother, there you go I had no idea and apart from the name change 
Mr Blue Sky then blasted out to scenes of folk dressed up from the twenties or thirties  and some guy being fired out of an oversized cannon, which for some reason abruptly ended Mr Blue Sky and the guy apparently fired out of the cannon turned out to be Eric Idle who had every one singing The Bright Side of Life  

Some guy on a piano wearing a sparkly suit  who then moved on to a guitar with a bunch of chanting loony women and a lot of flame, but unfortunately none of them got close enough to the flames to save us from their three minute screeching session  

Queen and Freddie,  the latter now 21 years dead but he still conducts and audience with such sheer panache and then Bryan May giving us one of his guitar sessions and it wasn't even spoilt (to much) by Jessie J coming on and accompanying them.

Bear with me I know your getting as tired of this as I am but it's almost over, promise I think we might even get some pretty half dressed Brazilian women once the flag has been handed over    

Greek national Anthem 

London Welsh male voice choir 

Funny dressed Brazilians with glowing  fluorescent hats and a guy brushing the stage in his hi-viz orange safety suit. Nope pretty Brazilian women, but all fully dressed, so I hung on for nothing, Oops hang on there's a slim Brazilian version of Barry White , maybe not .......

Nope can't take any more either 

Good night and see you in 4 years in Rio or maybe not as it will be in the middle of my night and you do know I need as much beauty sleep as I can get, mind you I'll be four years older and in my 60's so I might not need as much sleep then as I do now.......

Off out to the back garden to see if I can spot any meteors from the Perseid shower, has to be better than what I just saw.....


  1. Thank you. I had planned NOT to watch. Now I know my decision was the correct decision. Was everyone drunk when they were planning the closing ceremony?
    I thought Adele was supposed to sing?

  2. Good plan my sweet, you missed absolutely nothing by continuing to have a life.

    No idea about Adele, she definitely didn't turn up, unless it was while I has having another fag, but poor Emeli Sande after such a wonderful performance in the opening ceremony .... ouch!

    Apparently I missed Take That, The Who, and for my money what would probably have been the highlight of the ceremony, Darcy Bussell, any opportunity to watch that magnificent woman dance should be grasped .... bugger, and I had already switched off

  3. I think the worst moment was the stupid shooting someone out of a cannon? What? Why? Who? And there was some idiot who almost fell off a flying bike...

    No, changed my mind. I bet the worst part was the price of the tickets!

  4. Jules, Hey I must have missed the flying bike must watch it again ,......Aaaaaarrrggghhh ....NOT

    Cost of a decent holiday no doubt

  5. I watched it... enjoyed it... but, I WAS drunk...
    I found you through your comment to Jenny the Bloggess...
    You're funny...
    I'll stick around a bit - if that's ok??

  6. Janet, I think you may have had the correct solution to the problem, drunkenness, simple, why didn't I think of that?

    I wish I was as funny as The Bloggess and you are more than welcome to stick around or to even turn around and leave (some might say that is the wisest option ;-]

    Apparently this was funny, but not intended to be:


    and neither was this:


    and I am told there are a few other gems in there but what would I know


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